Cellulosic Ethanol Experiment Goes Dangerously Wrong: Environmental and Cultural Catastrophe

Apocalyptic Newswire: Northern Ontario 29 January 2008
As far East as the Maritimes and as far west as Saskatoon, trees are beginning to drip ethanol. The recent plague that started at the lumber camps and maple syrup plants of Northern Ontario seems to be spreading south, east, and west from the source. As far south as Rochester, New York, drunken parties appear to be centered around groves of trees.

"All you gotta do is stick a tap in and hold a glass under it. You can drink it right out of the tree!" stated Jill Steinwick, pictured above.

Apocalyptic Newswire has finally traced the epidemic to its source. A foolhardy band of cellulosic ethanol researchers unleashed the catastrophic plague on the forests of the world.

"It was all an accident," explains GreenMe's chief researcher Gwyneth Malbow. "I recently visited ZeaChem's lab in California, and "borrowed" some of their new microbes. I wanted to see what would happen if I innoculated a few sugar maples with the bug. I never expected things to go so wrong!"

When questioned about the organism, ZeaChem's President was very tight-lipped.

"Our bug is very tough," said Jim Imbler, ZeaChem's president and chief executive officer......source

Imbler refused to comment further on the incident other than to say that Malbow's experiment was done without the knowledge of himself or anyone at his company. Ethanol scientists are speculating that there may be no way to stop the organism from spreading.

"So far, the trees themselves do not appear to be damaged. The problem is that world governments will be unable to collect taxes on alcohol when every tree is a brewery," explained Science Advisor Ronica Leary in Ottawa. "Besides, wherever the trees are dripping grog, no one is reporting to work. Productivity is way down."

The UN Security Council was called to emergency session to deal with the emergency. Already, rumours of the organism reaching Europe in a shipment of elm saplings is causing panic on world stock markets.

Reports that trees are being destroyed en masse within all Muslim countries appear to be false, but accounts of suicide bombers screaming "allahu akbar," then blowing themselves up inside groves of palm trees, have been substantiated.

Count on Apocalyptic Newswire to keep you advised on this developing catastrophe.



Originally published at Al Fin
Original work of satire by Al Fin. Any unauthorised reproduction of this material must be attributed to the source.

What China Will Do to Win

China poses as a rising star in the world of commerce, industry, technology and science. But China's recent stock market scare reveals how closely China's success hangs upon financial and technological achievements in the west. If China were unable to steal, counterfeit, pirate, and reverse-engineer superior achievements of technology and science in the west, how many decades behind the west would China be?

The government believes that, in the next few years, China will surpass South Korea in technical abilities, and Germany in GDP. While China is still a minor player in the world of military high tech, the government is putting lots of money and effort into changing this. Expensive, and long term, efforts are being made to produce high tech items like jet engines, missiles and military electronics. At the current rate of progress, Chinese military technology will match that of the United States in a decade or so.

Strategy Page

In a mad rush to surpass the west, China is poisoning its air and water, destroying and depleting its topsoil, stealing from its trading partners, sending poisoned toys,food,and other merchandise overseas, misrepresenting the size and health of its banks and state enterprises, and becoming the world's leading destructive state computer hacker and possible currency counterfeiter (via N. Korea).

...there is a long record in China of sending government-directed missions overseas to buy or shamelessly steal the best civil and military technology available, reverse engineer it, and build an industrial complex that supports the growth of China as a commercial and military power....The allegations against Chen Jin, of Jiaotong University in Shanghai, are an example of the entrepreneurial approach people take toward industrial espionage and intellectual property theft in China. Chen returned to China after earning a Ph.D. at the University of Texas at Austin. In 2003, China treated Chen like a national hero for inventing China's first signal processing microchip. Last week, Jiaotong University dismissed him, and Chen stands accused of hiring flocks of migrant workers with good manual dexterity and great eyesight to scratch the name "Motorola" off chips and etch in the name of Chen's company, "Hanxin."

Source

Is the government involved in Chinese counterfeiting? What do you think?

The second point is equally important. The piracy and counterfeiting that exists in China is largely the result of a tacit government policy to allow such practices to flourish. China has a relatively comprehensive set of antipiracy statutes on its books. However, little or no enforcement exists, and what fines and punishments do exist serve as only weak deterrents.

The reason for China's tacit sanctioning of widespread counterfeiting and piracy is that the Chinese government is well aware of two things. Counterfeit and pirated goods sold domestically help keep inflation low, and selling these goods internationally creates jobs and export revenues.___Source

Some of the counterfeit exports being sent overseas from China present a significant hazard to the end users.

Counterfeit high-tech items are a growing business, and a growing danger. In addition to computer gear, auto and aircraft components are also being faked. Some aircraft and auto accidents have been traced to the fakes, which makes it a public safety issue. But with the Department of Defense installing counterfeit computer components, it becomes a national security issue. There's also the fear that the Chinese, or some other hostile nation, might get their hands on real computer components, and replace some of the chips with modified ones that will make government networks easier to hack. Yes, it just gets worse.

Strategy Page

China is destabilizing the world's security.

China’s goal is to dominate in all sectors – from the lowest, most labor-intensive sectors to the highest and most advanced technological sectors – as quickly as possible. To accomplish these goals, China must have access to advanced technology. FDI gives China this access. Once the advanced technology is introduced into China, China gains access to the technology. Some of this access is lawful, but much of it is through unauthorized copying, theft, and counterfeiting, all of which allows China to obtain technology transfer without the payment of fees.___Source

China's recent moves into the third world, including Africa, should raise eybrows--particularly regarding the tendency of Chinese consumer exports to be poisoned.

The upcoming Beijing Olympics are a source of pride for the Chinese CCP, but amid all the other rampant illegitimacy, is China hosting a counterfeit Olympics? There is significant international concern over the safety of food and water to be provided by the host country for Olympic athletes and guests. I wonder if the Chinese people themselves are wondering about the future safety of Chinese food and water? No, they're too busy worrying about the present.

China wants to be taken seriously by everyone, including the world's superpower. To accomplish this, China intends to gouge, steal, lie, cheat, copy, counterfeit, hack, intimidate, subvert, proliferate nukes, reverse engineer, spy, and bluster its way to the top.

In the process of its grand strategy, China's people and environment are being poisoned, while the world's environment is sullied. China's pro-proliferation policies and close friendships with state sponsors of terrorism such as Iran and Venezuela, suggests long term plans to destabilize the islands of prosperity within both the developed and developing worlds.

Nothing about the method of China's rise suggests the intent to become a responsible world co-citizen. Nothing indicates a will to create a better world, with prosperity and security for all. Instead we see a Chinese CCP hell-bent to achieve superiority and hegemony in every area--while destroying its own ecology and the ecologies of East Asia. There is nothing admirable or encouraging about China's gutter tactics, its quasi-criminal methods of achievement.

China's CCP government will do anything to win--including destroying its own country, and half the world with it. Is this what George Soros and half the pandering world leadership at Davos and the UN also wants?

The Great Gigolo Roundup from Heidi Cullen, Weather Channel Babe With Hidden Passions

Guest Editorial by Anna Roseannadanna

Weather Channel climatologist, Heidi Cullen has plans to open an eco-friendly gigolo ranch for women in Nevada. She has felt the need for such a facility for many years, and presumably thanks to global warming, she is now in a financial position to build the ranch. I expect that all the proceeds from the ranch will go to fighting global warming.

The Stud Farm will be “an exclusive resort, and I’ll make it really nice like the Beverly Hills Hotel”, says Heidi. She’s reportedly been looking into green building options, because she doesn’t want “anything polluting”. She believes that women will come to her resort as they would for any getaway- “for bachelorette and birthday parties…or simply because they have the time and the money and they want to get a manicure, a pedicure, and a shag”, she says.

The parrot-loving madam says she’ll run her Stud Farm on wind power because “there’s a need for it”, refers to herself as a “treehugger”, and seems genuinely concerned that her beloved parrots were born into such a polluted world- to which her father replies that “the world is a beautiful garden. It’s just, people are destroying it”.

Tree Hugger

Producer off-camera: Roseanna! That is not Heidi Cullen! It's Heidi Fleiss, the infamous "madame to the stars."

Roseanna: Hmmm? Nevermind!

Anna Roseannadanna channeled by Eco-sex enterprises, a subsidiary of Al Gore Industries.

Originally published at Al Fin, You Sexy Thing!